all my life

all my life i've wanted to be a mom, i don't remember when this weird anti-feminist dream arrived but i know that my mom is an amazing woman and she gave us an open and loving childhood full of fun and opportunity - even if we did screw it up, people who are too well-ajusted always scare me anyway.
i love to touch other people, sitting here cuddling with troy is awesome. it's just my knees against his legs, but i can feel the warmth and the love and i hope he can too.
sometimes i wonder if my OCD diagnosis is real. lots of people are just stubborn, and labels are an excuse. (I've seen some extreme cases, but that's different.) Am I just not strong enough to handle life as it comes at me. but then again does it even matter. if it helps, it helps right. but then it's not really an annswer. the problem is that ocd isn't something you get rid of, like the flu, because you always want a level of attention to detail that helps you get through life. It's like lowering a fever, but not too much. this discussion with myself always leads to the worry that I am being self-centered. but if i'm happy, i can make the rest of the world happy too right? wow.... it's just that sometimes i'm so focused on doing stuff that i "need" to get done that i don't really care how it looks to/affects others. i want people to be honest with me and help me set firm limits, since i can't always do it myself. but i don't always use my words so well. i was thinking last night about gifts. I'm not buying the new book by the author of the historian, even though I loved that book. i can't justify it because i owe money on my car and i have so many other books to read. but it would be cool if someone bought it for me. but if jeremy asked if i wanted it, i would say no because i don't want him to waste his money. and if i told him i would be upset with myself. i guess the answer would be to tell him that yes, i would like to have it, but i can't justify us spending money on it and leave it up to him. i expect him to use words and i should too. it's not fair to make someone guess. i should have bought jeremy the ween cds he lost when his ipod was stolen, or better yet a new ipod. i jsut didn't think, because we said we weren't doing anything. of course i want something, how confusing is that. i know he loves me, but i want constant proof. it's something about being the second wife. he loved someone enough to marry her, but now it's over. i guess i understand, i've had boyfriends i've been in love with, probably would have married had the situation arrived. but i can't see a successful happy life with any of them. i love jeremy with all my heart, why can't i accept that i'm not really a second choice, cause we never competing anyway. I think i'm just being self centered again thinking that no one can love as much as me. i'm all done for now.
i do actually want to start